Through the Eyes of the Beholders
by Frenchy Pommy
Summary: Season One: as seen through the eyes of Sydney and Vaughn


My name is Sydney Bristow. I am the main character in this story. Seven years ago, I was recruited by a secret branch (tree branch) of the CIA called Stupid Dickhead-6 (SD-6 for short). I was sworn (ha ha swear..) to secrecy but I couldn't keep it from my goldfish, Danny. So when the head of SD-6 found out, they had him drowned. That's when I found out. SD-6 is not a secret branch of the CIA. They are the very people I was supposed to kick ass. So I went to the only place that could help me. McDonalds. A mcFlurry always makes me feel better. Then I went to the CIA. So now I'm a triple agent. I work for the CIA, SD-6 and McDonalds. My handler at the CIA is a 'man' called Mickey Porn. There is only one other double agent (he ain't special enough to be a triple agent) working inside SD-6. A man I hardly know. I mean he only brought me up come on…. His name is Jonathon 'Joint" Bristoned. 

My name is Michael Vaughn …at least, that's what it says on my FUNKY badge. I am the REAL main character of the show- 'Melbourne' Bristoned thinks that she's the main character. Yeah, riiiiiiight, whatever you reckon Barbie. Anyway, 25 minutes…years…10 years (I'm not that old!) I joined the NASA… NSA… NBA… CIA…one of them. That's where I got my FUNKY badge. Anyway, there I screwed around doing jackshit for a few years until this evil little bitch called Sydney (as if you'd have that for a name?! Ha ha, she's named after a city…but what do you expect from someone whose mother's a man…and not just any man, The Man. And her mummy killed my daddy) joined the CSI to take down the criminals she worked for, a group called Stupid Dickheads- 6 (SD-6 for short. They say it stands for Section Disparru…whatever they reckon). So my fat-ass boss, Agent Fat-Ass told me to handle her. How was I supposed to know he didn't mean grope her?! He should've been more specific!! Anyway, I still do jackshit but I occasionally send Agent Barbie on a mission (which she normally stuffs up, and needs her daddy, Jonathan 'Joint' Bristoned to save her…)

(Getting the book)

So, like, Sydney/Melbourne got sent on a mission. I know. Sydney, on a mission. What is this, a comedy show? Anyway, she had to get a picture book or whatever. And it was like at the bottom of some hole. Or whatever. So I wasn't supposed to be there (cos it wasn't a CIA operation… and I'm not a field agent), so I dressed up as a Russian chick and came down the hole after her. She didn't recognise me (he he, dumbass), so we had a catfight. I threw her off the ladder and she fell down. It was good to watch her fall for ages, kicking and screaming. It was the most beautiful image I've ever seen. So, yeah, anyway, I took the book. But then I panicked. I wasn't supposed to have the book. So I did the only thing I could do under those circumstances. I dug a hole and chucked the book in it. I was all set to make my speedy getaway, when I heard someone cry out. Dixon (Sydney's partner) had been shot by a rubber arrow (from the kiddie cowboy kits) and fell down crying like a baby. I was about to help him when Sydney crawled out of the hole. I think she might be a cockroach- impossible to kill. Anyway, she called the CIA for help, so I had to get out of there before anyone recognised me.

My next mission was to get this ancient book that came as a bonus with the clock (which we haven't got yet) but the shop person wouldn't give me it. Coz I had to buy the clock first. But it was ugly… I just wanted the picture book. So I went to go get it. So I went down the hole where the book was hidden but then this tree attacked me. It was actually Mickey Porn with a branch stuck on his head. You could sooooo tell it was him. So I threw him down the ladder. That was very entertaining. So I laughed at him. I don't think he was too happy with me but that's his problem. When I came to the top of the hole, a horrible sight awaited me. Dixon had just found a pimple on the tip of his nose. As he drifted in and out of consciousness, I knew what I had to do. I had to stay calm and in control. So I called my neighbour. She is an expert at pimple removal. So I saved Dixon. Now, I am a heroine. (But not the drug.)

(in the mental place)

Sydney/ Melbourne had to go to the mental place. How appropriate.

I always knew there was something wrong with her…

You are so lying LOSER!!! I'll get you Mickey Porn, when you turn the corner, I'll be there. When you open the fridge, I'll be there. Everywhere you go, I'll be there. And that is not the good "I'll be there". 

Anyway, I had to take Mickey Porn to the crazy people place. I knew that was where he belonged. When you see him in that rubber room, you see him at home. At peace…

YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!! What are you, LIAR BARBIE?! I'm gonna kill you…I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!! (P.S. I'm having you arrested for stalking me…)

(Getting the code key)

Look, it goes like this. There was this book but it was written in Russian or something. Okay, not Russian cos then we could read it. Some code language thing. Anyway, Sydney/Melbourne's picture (or someone who looked a lot like her…well, it could have been a smiley face) was in the book, and there was some writing but no one at the CIA could read it. So they asked me, Michael Vaughn, to help by going on a mission and getting the encryption key. Unfortunately, I also needed to bring Sydney/Melbourne, don't ask me why. 

Our mission was to go to the Vatican (because it seemed like the _obvious_ place to leave a code key). Of course, Sydney-to-Hobart-yacht-race thought that meant go to church. So she sat outside the local church and waited for me. She waited so long that I had to come looking for her. So we missed our flight to Rome and had to take the next best thing. We took a flight to Roma, Australia. 

Anyway, when we were there we got dressed as cleaners. Well, I got dressed as a cleaner but Sydney tried to wear her normal work clothes of tiny miniskirt, sparkly top/hankie and a lame looking wig. She insisted that she would NOT wear the coveralls I brought for her, so we reached a compromise.

The mission was going pretty well until we ran into this person. Sydney, being the moron that she is, starting talking to the person in her pathetic Italian. She obviously thought that we were actually in Rome. The lady just looked at her funny, then said to me 

"Why does she have 'Cleaner' written on her forehead in mascara?" I had to think quickly.

"She's a mental patient," I said, then grabbed her arm and led her away. The lady just shook her head and kept on doing whatever it was she was doing. Anyway, we walked fast to techno music until we reached a room full of tacky stuff. It seemed we had reached our goal.

There was this ugly picture of a fat old lady with grapes in the back. It looked likely, so I went over and pulled off the frame. Sydney was fascinated by the shiny stuff, so I ignored her and copied down the code key. We were set to go, and no one was the slightest bit suspicious. At least, they weren't until Sydney dropped this priceless 17th century crystal vase. The alarms were a bit of a give away, so we had to run fast (to fast techno music). Yet another mission that almost ended in disaster because of Sydney. Why SD-6 recruited her in the first place I will never know. 

One of the many missions I got while working with SD-6 was to get this code from the Vatican. It wasn't exactly a mission I just went there to try and save my skin from the CIA coz they wanted to arrest me because my face showed up on this ancient thing I had to get out of this hole in the mountain. Of course, Mickey Porn just had to come like he always does. Loser. He is so dum. He thought we had to go see the pelicans. I believe his IQ is 7. But since I have an IQ of 200237856954, I got him to the Vatican in time. When we got there, we had to disguise ourselves so no one would know that we are just there on a mission to break in the Vatican. Our costumes were cleaners outfits. But Mickey Porn just had to chuck his stupid little tantrum, right there in the middle of the holiest place in the world. Well in Italy anyway. He wouldn't carry the broom. It has too many germs, he said. Too many people touch it. What a moron. You can't hide as a real cleaner if you don't have a broom. It's just not right. So I shoved it down his belt. Not the subtlest of hiding spots, but he seemed to like it.

When we finally got in 3 hours later (Loser couldn't figure out that you had to pull to open the door and not push…) we found what we were looking for. A painting. It was ugly. But it had the code that was supposed to save my life so I liked it anyway. So I took down a copy of the code while Mickey Porn was drawing a moustache on the statue of the pope. Can you believe him? But then he pressed this button because he thought it was pretty. It just happened to set the alarm off. So we ran as fast as we could (well I ran, he just stood there like a stunned mullet) and I went back home. He can just find his own way back. Loser. 

(Getting the Rambaldi Clock)

My mission (I got another mission, can you believe it?!) was to get this clock because my boss' one broke. So anyway, I went to this other country but Mickey Porn insisted he come with me for 'protection'. I think he just likes me too much and doesn't want me fooling around. But he made me get on the wrong plane. So when we got off, he was like:

-"Where are we?"

-"We're in Liechtenstein. It's this little country in between Switzerland and Austria."

-"Aren't we supposed to be in Russia?"

-"Yes, but you made us get on the wrong plane!"

-"No I didn't. The plane just missed Russia. I mean, it's such a small country…"

So then I raised my eyebrows at him and walked off.

My boss gave Sydney/ Melbourne ANOTHER mission (because she had to steal some clock for her boss). And, seeing as all she's able to do is walk fast to techno music in a miniskirt and strange hair, I had to come too. My cover was 'protection', but really I'm just sick of her stuffing up our missions. Anyway, I was all set to go but she made us get on the wrong plane. I was trying to tell her all the way there that we were on the wrong flight but did she listen? NO! She was all like "I've been on waaaay more missions than you." Yeah, but those missions were for SD-6. They don't count. I've worked for the CIA for longer, so I'd know more about this than her. Anyway, when we got there she was all:

-"Where are we?" Shows how much _she knows._

-"We're in Liechtenstein. It's a little country in between Switzerland and Austria."

-"But I thought we were going to Russia…"

-"We were SUPPOSED to go to Russia, but you made us get on the wrong plane."

-"No I didn't! Maybe they had to have an emergency landing…"

I couldn't believe it. What a moron. I turned and walked off. I'd do the mission myself.

So anyway, we were meant to steal this ancient clock or whatever. (Unfortunately, I had to take Sydney/ Melbourne. My boss made me.) So, like, why would you want an old, broken clock when you can have a nice new one? So we went to the best place for clocks- OVERFLOW!! Sydney/Melbourne was all like "Let me do the talking." I was like "whatever, bitch." So Sydney-Opera-House did the talking.

"Me stooopide americana with even stooopeeda name. I clock want yes thanks now you." The counter person just stared at her. I sighed.

"Ignore her, she's brain damaged. We're looking for a clock," I said (in PERFECT German of course). "It has to look like it was made in the 17th Century. Make it authentic."

It was a good thing I was there, otherwise we would NEVER have gotten the clock.

So we had to steal this authentic Rambaldi clock. It must be really old cos he's dead. Sloane likes antique clocks so if I get it for him, I could get a promotion.

So I went to this Italian guy's place and I got the clock (we took a connecting flight from Liechtenstein, and Mickey Porn didn't stuff that up for once.)…no wait, the guy was the repairman. But then he got shot, so I jumped off the building before the evil dudes could catch me. Then we took a taxi back to the airport. Yes, I was still stuck with Mickey Porn. He did shit all. I don't think he's worth the 5 cents they pay him every fortnight. He has the crappiest German, I swear. He said:

-"I American so I stupid. Feel free to laugh at me." So I told him he was a loser and said to the driver (in PERFECT German of course) "We need to get to the airport please." I could tell the driver looked up to me. But then again, who wouldn't?

(Swapping the asthma puffers)

I can't believe what just happened. I was sent to the warehouse to get these asthma puffers, right? So of course Mickey Porn came along for 'protection.' I can't believe the loser. 

Dixon set up this bomb, right? And I was to turn it off cos there were CIA agents in the building with whom I had to swap the puffers. I didn't like the white ones, I wanted the pink ones. So I turned the bomb off and ran outside to see Dixon. He pushed the red button (that makes the bomb go BOOM) and nothing happened. So he left muttering to himself. But then Mickey Porn came along and picked something up off the ground. It was the back-up bomb remote that Dixon just went to get. So Mickey Porn asked me:

-"What's this?"

-"NOOO! Don't touch that! It'll make the bomb go off!"

-"Cool! I like bombs!"

And he pushed the button.

BOOM!!!

Went the building.

-"NOOOOOOO!" I screamed. "The agents were still in there, dickhead!"

-"So? I didn't like them anyway. They stole my happy meal toy."

So I slapped him in the face and went to find Dixon. At least he was half reasonable. I asked for a new handler. And you know what they said?! 

-"We can't do that Melbourne. Mickey Porn likes you so it works perfect. Now we have to get you to like him…"

Can you believe them?! Can't even get my name right! Stupid Mickey Porn. I HATE HIM!!

You'll never guess what Agent Barbie did now. She was sent to this warehouse to swap some Rambaldi artefacts, and my fat-ass boss sent me so she wouldn't stuff it up as usual. So I went with the lamest cover in the universe- 'protection'- and I think the idiot actually bought it. What a moron. Anyway, she tried to turn the bomb off by kickboxing it. It wasn't very successful, but I had a back up plan. I deactivated it by remote. I suppose Sydney/ Melbourne should have done that, but the CIA doesn't trust her with complex machinery like remote controls.

So she ran to Dixon, her loser partner. He's even stupider than her, and that's saying something. Dixon pressed the red button to set off the bomb and nothing happened. So he wandered off (and wandered closer to the building. What a dickhead. As far as he knows, there's a perfectly functional BOMB in there. But then again, he's stupider than Sydney/Melbourne, so what do you expect…) 

While the coast was clear, I walked over to Sydney/Melbourne. But before I could say anything, she snatched the remote out of my hand. 

-"What's this do?" she asked.

-"NOOOO!!" I yelled as she pushed the resume button.

BOOM!!

Went the building.

-"NOOOOOOO!!! The agents were still in there, you half witted, anorexic dickhead!!"

-"So? I didn't like them anyway. They were all way toooooo serious." 

-"You stupid little bitch!!" I yelled. I couldn't believe what she did next. She slapped me and walked over to her fellow Neanderthal. I couldn't believe it!

As soon as we got back, I requested to be transferred as far away from Agent I-only-gt-this-job-cos-I-can-walk-fast-to-techno-music-while-wearing-a-miniskirt as possible. And do you know what my fat-ass boss said?!

-"We can't do that Vaughn. Sydney/Melbourne likes you, and it's working out great. Now we only need to get you to like her then we'll have a perfect relationship…"

I couldn't' believe him! Me, like Sydney/Melbourne? Not happening in the next millennium!! I HATE HER!!

(Saving Testament ALIAS - he he name of the show-Will.)

Can you believe what those evil people did? They kidnapped my friend!! I finally got a friend and he gets kidnapped! I should find a new crowd to hand around with. Mickey Porn could've been my friend if only he didn't think he was god's gift to women. He's not even that cute. Testament is way cuter. But he's not anymore. Those evil dudes (don't ask me which ones, cos I forgot) bashed him up. You wouldn't believe what they did. They pulled his tooth out. Now he cant even eat steak. I'm so gonna kill them. As soon as I find out who they are, they are so dead.

Anyway, Testament found out who I really was when the evil people told him to meet them at this club, where I just happened to be. I have no idea why I was there in the first place but it must have been important, otherwise they would've sent someone less important.

So I was on stage, singing this song I couldn't understand and these guys come in dragging Testament behind them. So I saved him. I knocked those evil dudes so hard they'll never mess with me again. So we took Testament to this "safe" house (well, the CIA called it safe but you cant believe everything they say) and that's where they kidnapped him. I had no idea where they took him but I still saved him because I'm brilliant and I just happened to walk into the place where they were keeping him.

Stupid Mickey Porn did nothing to help me. He just sat on his ass saying:

"it's not my fault he got kidnapped. I'm not getting him. He was competition anyway."

So I saved Testament. So now I am his (and Frenchy's, but she doesn't know that yet) hero. He'll be mine forever now. He's a journalist, you know. So he can support me through life while I go around nearly killing myself (but not like suicide) to save the American people. Long live the Queen.

Can you believe what someone did? They kidnapped Sydney Bristoned's friend! (She only has 2 friends- Testament and Frenchy. I have Agent Wise(NOT) and my dog Pommy. I am sooooooooo much better) I was so happy- not only was her loser friend (who just DOESN'T know when to give up- I mean he kept researching a story after being kidnapped once before. What an idiot.) gone, but the little tart was upset by it. So I sent her on a mission where she had to sing (he he he, it was hilarious too. She had no idea what she was singing about. Gotta love hidden cameras). But I never would've guessed she would've found him again. I guess luck substitutes for brains in her case. Anyway, her friend was all bashed up and stuff, and his tooth had been removed, so Sydney asked me (the CIA person…the one with a REAL job) to help her. I was pissed. No way did I want to help her, someone who sleeps around with every guy she meets (cough cough, NOAH cough cough) and has probably had so many abortions that half her organs have been sucked out (which explains why she's so thin). But my boss found out and yelled at me. He threatened to confiscate my badge, so I gave in. Damn him, the blackmailing bastard.

Anyway, because Sydney's friend was an American citizen, I was 'obliged' (forced more like) to help him. So I set up a "safe" house. In other words, I stuck him in a house and then posted his address on the Internet. And my plan was more successful then I could have dreamed. The idiot managed to get himself kidnapped again. That makes 3 times- a new record. So Sydney came begging to me to help her- yeah right. I just told her that it would be "against protocol for me to get him cos I'm not a field agent" or something along those lines. So what did the cow do? Save him herself. I don't get it. We set her a mission and she stuffs up royally. We tell her not to do something and she's successful. That's just not right.

So, she saved Testament and now she keeps looking at him with lovesick eyes. As if you would. He's nowhere near as handsome as me. And all he does is entertain the people of this country. Not like my job- protecting the American people. God save the Queen. ..

I am not love sick, Mickey Porn, you wanker…

I suppose that could be true…whores aren't meant to fall in love…

Wonder how you'd know that… SLUT!

At least my friends don't 'sleep over' for no reason (don't they have homes) honestly, it looks soooo sus.

Better friends then a dog…

Oh, so what do you call Frenchy then?

Frenchy of course. What do you think you dickhead?

…SHUT UP BARBIE, I HAVE A GUN WITH BULLETS TODAY!!!

SLAP! Fine….

(And Sydney walks off)

(And Vaughn fires at her retreating back, killing her instantly) HE HE HE!!!

But then a piano falls from the sky and squashes Mickey Porn so he dies too.

So everyone lived happily ever after.

Except Vaughn and Sydney, cos they're dead…

THE END!!! 

Or is it…..?


End file.
